Sakura's Diary
by Maggieraven
Summary: Sakura shares in ten entries part of her life and the struggles that come from falling in love with a forbidden man, her Sensei.


Kakasaku fan fiction

Rated: Mature (18+)

**Sakura's Diary**

1st Entry

Hello, my name is Sakura Haruno and you are my very first attempt at writing a diary/journal. Why did you start a journal you may ask? Well in fact, it was a combination of things. I have no money for a real therapist and one of my good friends Tenten recommended it. She keeps a diary herself and she says it helps her a lot when she needs to figure things out. Which brings me to the next reason and that reason is that I am in a mess; my head and my heart are as rowdy as the north ocean. In case you do not know that is a rough ocean. Anyway, yesterday Tenten found me crying by the Hokage's tower, and we talked for a while but I cannot really share what's going on with anybody. Yesterday was a rough day and I don't know what is going on with me, maybe I am going crazy or I stayed under the sun too long. The thing is that…how can I put this? I think I am falling for a man that I shouldn't. Sasuke has been in my heart for so long that I never thought I could even find any other person that attractive. Yes is true that Sasuke never really liked me back or at least he hasn't showed it. I have been in love with him since the academy and now I am 16 and still he has never said anything. Yes sometimes I have caught him looking at me and he has smiled at me like twice but that is about it. Maybe I am just jealous of Ino and all her conquests. I don't think I am that ugly, because Rock Lee is obviously salivating for me and I'm sure I could get Naruto if I wanted to. He is cute but Hinata is my friend and I know she is super in love with the guy.

So this guy, which I am not naming at least not now in the first page of this journal, just in case I misplace it or something.; he is a guy I have known since I was 12, so for 4 years. I always thought he looked somewhat handsome but never gave it much thought. Now I cannot keep my eyes from him. He is tall and muscular but lean not really bulky or anything, well the body of a ninja, which he is after all. He is a Jonin and he is super sexy. He was almost as sexy as Sasuke, if not more because he is a man after all. He is much older than I am, almost double my age, I know, I know…gross right? That is why I can't say anything to my friends; they'll think I am a sick perverted girl or something. I hope hope hope he hasn't notice me gawking at him or anything. I don't know what is going on but every time I see him, my heart starts to beat faster and my tummy starts to feel funny. I have tried to just look at Sasuke instead but in my head, I really want to look at this other guy. Before yesterday's mission, I found myself thinking about this guy all day. My teammates on the mission kept harassing me. Thank god, it wasn't a hard mission because I was completely out of it.

I know he will never look at me the same way I look at him and then I think great! Just what I need another unrequited love. But, is it love or just some nasty, crude purely carnal feeling?

As it is, I know that only Hinata and I are virgins because Tenten finally sealed the deal with Neji last month. Maybe my hormones are envious of theirs or something.

I started my medic apprenticeship with Tsundae almost three years ago and that means I don't see this guy as much as I used to before and just thinking about that fact makes me start crying. I keep looking into the streets from Konoha's hospital hoping I get a glimpse of him. I am so confused. Why did I have to go falling in love with my sensei, what an idiot!

I know it's horrible and even you, as a book is ashamed of your owner. I can't help it and I have tried believe me, I have. I think the first time I noticed was when we were on this mission a year ago; they needed a medical ninja and I was the only one available. I was waiting up in the trees with sensei and he kept looking at me. We had to be very quiet in order to stay hidden; so I couldn't ask him what he was looking at. Then he began to get closer to my face, his face kept moving really slowly towards me like he wanted to kiss me and I completely freaked and stood as still as a statue on the outside at least. On the inside my stomach was churning I had a major brick in my throat, my heart was beating so fast I thought it would come out of my eyes and all the hair in my body was up. I even felt my pulse down in parts I never thought had a pulse. He came inching his way to me and his nose was maybe half an inch from mine when I closed my eyes, waiting to feel the fabric from his mask on my lips; then I felt as his hand reached with alarming speed behind me and I opened my eyes to see him grabbing a snake by the head. I was so embarrassed that I think I was red all over, even my pupils felt red. He jumped down from the tree and called me to run towards our target. I was so out of it I could not move and he had to take care of the guy on his own; which was no problem but it wasn't the plan we had come up with. After that day, I have been a mess. Thinking about him and wondering for hours what his face looks like under that mask he always wears. Naruto thinks that maybe he has really horrible scars; after all he does have that big scar over his sharingan eye. Sasuke never really cared and I don't know what to think anymore. Maybe if I see him and he is really ugly I won't be obsessing about him so much. You know what; that is a really good idea but then again maybe the fact that I won't really see him all that much with my upcoming intense training might help me get him off my mind as well. I will be practically living at the hospital. I'm just so freaking sad, and lonely. I just think about how Sasuke is now in ANBU, and is pretty much a night creature and Naruto left again for another special training and how I'm always at the hospital or with Tsundae-sama; it feels like the end of team 7 and it really is the end, we'll never be the same.

2nd Entry

Finally some time to breathe; I have been super busy at the hospital and studying like crazy. Last time I wrote I was feeling pretty low and pathetic. Today I feel much better. Let's see it has been about three months since I wrote here last and I've had zero time to think about my personal life, well maybe not zero but pretty close. Have not seen Kakashi-sensei at all and I am not crying at night as I was. So maybe I am cured! Well I hope that I am. Tonight I am going out with Ino and the girls and I am going to have as much fun as possible. I passed my last test with flying colors and currently I am getting praises left and right. Not bad huh? Naruto comes back tomorrow from his training and we are planning a little bash for him, that is another guy who is in serious need of a good party. Kakashi will be invited but he might not even come. I am feeling pretty confident about seeing him and I will not feel a thing. I am a strong willed woman, who needs a guy her own age, not some old dude… Yes… I am petrified of seeing Kakashi, and yes, I am full of bologna. Whom am I kidding? I have wished he would get hurt so I could see him. I am evil aren't I? I know he is not a party kind of guy so I won't see him tonight at the club but maybe at Naruto's party. I just want to see him that is all; I miss his eyes and his entire person. However, it is true I have not cried about him and it is also true I have been mad busy. So busy in fact that I am going to Tenten's house to borrow a dress for tonight because I have nothing to wear except my mission uniforms and my hospital uniforms. I need to go shopping soon.

I got a present from a very nice lady at the hospital; I now have a goldfish. The lady has a great garden with lots of flowers and ponds full of fish. I would talk to her about it when I would come to her bed for checkups. The day after she got disc arched she came back to bring me a super cute goldfish with the prettiest tail I have seen. He is white and orange and has a black spot on his face so I called him Sensei because he has like a little mask, I know I am corny, nothing I can do about it. I hope that I won't kill him with all the time I spend at the hospital. I'll give Tenten a key so she can feed him when I have to stay overnight. Ok time to get ready to party!

3rd Entry

I am an idiot! So I went out yesterday with the girls and got mad drunk out of my wits. Ended up beating up this one guy for trying to feel me up. Tenten and Neji had to dragged me out of the club and who do they ran into but Kakashi- sensei, who in turn took over so Tenten and Neji could go back in the club. I only remember throwing up on him as he was trying to help me walk. Today I opened my eyes and I have the mother of all headaches and I am naked in my bed! My extra key is sitting on my nightstand along with a glass of water and two aspirins. So what the hell happen here? Did Kakashi bring me here or did he pass me off to someone else. I am dying of embarrassment either way because I threw up on him and I can't really even recall his face. Was he mad? So I got into the shower and there hanging from the curtain rod is Kakashi's black shirt and pants. I looked back and after wrapping a towel around myself, I go looking through my small apartment. There in my couch laid the most handsome man I have laid my eyes upon. No mask! No scars, not even a pinch of ugliness. The darn guy is perfect. He was wearing only his black boxer shorts and his Icha Icha book was lying on his bare chest. I almost died of a heart attack right then and there. I was trying to close my mouth and swallow. My hands were trembling like a 90-year-old lady and I ran back to the bathroom, where I chewed off all of my nails in a matter of seconds. Then I heard his voice, "yo Sakura are you feeling alright", he sounded like heaven. I had missed his voice so much. I told him I was going to take a quick shower and I tried to use the coldest water I could resist. My heart was pounding like a million times faster than normal. When I got out in my towel, he was sitting on the sofa reading his book.

"I hope you don't mind I stayed but you pucked all over my clothes"

I wanted to die right then. My face turned bright red and he just laughed, and what a perfect smile he has, damn his gorgeousness. He excused himself and went to the bathroom while I more than enjoyed the view of his nice firm body as he made his way there. While he was in the bathroom, I got dressed and drank the aspirin he had left for me. He came out dressed and mask in place. Thank God for small favors.

"Sensei are you coming to Naruto's party tonight" I asked him all innocent.

"Somebody has to keep you from beating the guests"

I was mortified but was he playing with me? Flirting?

Before I could ask anything else, he was gone. Then I thought," wait a minute; did he see me naked?"

4th Entry

He is definitively avoiding me now. Naruto's party was a blast. Even Sasuke showed up all ANBU'd up. He is fine, the bastard. He didn't really talk to anyone. I think he spoke to Naruto and maybe Jiraya. Well, Naruto looks great and he looked really surprised and happy. Sometimes after some of those trainings he does, he comes back looking all a mess but this time he looked really good and even a little buff. Kakashi- sensei was there but every time I was making my way over to him, he would walk away. I think he left early too because I could not find him anywhere. I gave Tenten my spare key back and she was very apologetic about passing me off to Kakashi-sensei. I told her I wasn't mad at all because I trusted Sensei with my life. And she was all like "Yeah I know I trust my old sensei the same way".

I have to see him again, and I am really tempted to go to his apartment but I have no excuse to do so. I feel like such a slut trying to seduce my former sensei. I guess is a good thing I have to get back to the hospital tomorrow early. It will keep me from getting myself into any trouble.

Tsundae-sama is teaching me a new jutsu tomorrow and that is always exciting for me. Ino told me she was going to be at the hospital's library doing some research so we might have lunch together. She is so funny trying to fix me up with every guy she knows. Shikamaru wants to get back together with her, its super obvious by how he looks at her but I don't know what she is thinking. Also Hinata almost had a seizure when she saw Naruto today, it was so cute to see and then again, I know exactly how she was feeling. He gave her a hug and the poor girl had to sit down right away. He is mega clueless about her crush, I think, with him, some things never change.

Well I have to go feed Sensei, I bought him a really nice round shape bowl with a little light, and I put some pink rocks and real plants in there. I think he likes it much better than the plastic cup he was living in before. I put him next to my bed and it is quite relaxing to see it swimming around. I would much rather have the real Sensei laying next to me but I guess this one will have to do.

5th Entry

Tired…so tired. I have been working double shifts for two days now there was an attack to one of the small villages south of here and we are the closest hospital so they brought everyone to Konoha Hospital. It is sad and overwhelming at the same time. Little old ladies and babies all full of blood and injured. Tsundae-sama send two teams after the perpetrators, so hopefully they will be brought to justice soon. I am getting better at functioning without sleep, although we do get like 2 thirty-minute breaks and a lunch hour. I usually eat once in 15 minutes or so and sleep the rest of the breaks. We sleep in this little room with like 4 bunk beds, where all the medical Nins take their breaks. This morning I woke up from a nap to find some other person snoring next to me on the bottom bunk. Everyone is exhausted. Thank heavens I have 2 days off to recuperate. Now back to bed.

6th Entry

I must be dreaming! Should I pinch myself?…ouch! That actually hurt. I guess I am awake. What happened? A miracle or at least one in my eyes. I was sleeping when I heard a knock on the door. When I looked in the peephole, I saw Kakashi Sensei standing there. I quickly fixed my bed hair and opened the door.

"Sensei what are you doing here", I said all surprised. I was pulling my t-shirt down a bit to hide my underwear.

"I'm sorry to bother you Sakura but I need your help" he said all matter of fact and quite somber.

He had gotten hurt on his last mission and the hospital was so packed he didn't want to go there. He had a deep gash on his right side under his armpit.

"Ouch Sensei that is a weird place for a cut, I bet you are in serious pain"

I didn't even ask him, I just started undressing him. My heart was racing at the sound of his shallow breathing and the small moans he produced when I was moving his arm out of the way. It was not sexual in the least but tell my heart that. I pushed my perverted thoughts aside and began focusing my chakra on his wound. The bastard kept moaning softly as I worked and he was getting my concentration all whacked.

"Could you please stop moaning Kakashi- sensei? You are messing up my concentration", I said not meeting his eye.

"Sorry, haven't you hear a man moan before?...in pain I mean, of course"

I knew he asked that with double meaning and he was trying to pass it as just an innocent question. I didn't answer and just work on healing the wound. I touched his skin and it was much smoother than I thought. My hand lingered on his side for a moment before I told him he was good as new. He was sitting on my sofa and I was sitting right next to him. I offered him something to drink while I threw his shirt in the wash. He sat there with me talking about the mission and about the massacre in the neighboring village. It was so nice just to sit there and talk to him. We have not talked that much in a long time. Then he looked at me and kept quiet for a long time. I was feeling all red and self-conscious

"What is it Sensei? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You have grown up so much Sakura, I am very proud of you. Not only are you a great healer and ninja but you are a very beautiful woman"

GULP! I was a mass of pink by this time. Kakashi-sensei thought I was a beautiful woman. A woman not a girl! I wanted to jump on him and French kissed the mask of him. My pulse was racing and I was tempted to take off all my clothes and begged him to have me. He grabbed my hand and pulled it to his mask giving it a kiss. I was just saying Sensei when in a puff of smoke he left. I threw myself on the sofa or pretty much collapsed there. He shouldn't be able to escape so easily, it is not fair. So here, I am writing on top of a cloud or it seems that way. I guess there is one good thing about having an overcrowded hospital.

7th Entry

It's been a while since I wrote anything here, but life is too crazy and I really need a therapy session today.

I am so sad and so mad right now. Why can't my life be a little bit easier, not much but a little at least?

Kakashi-sensei had been coming to the hospital to help out and it seemed like he always had his lunch at the same time as me so we had been eating together like every day. I have gone with him to like three missions this past month and he is really opening up to me like an equal, not really as my sensei. He asked me to just call him Kakashi and I was feeling in seventh heaven. We are even playing around like punching each other and the other day he tickled me so much I almost wet my pants. He looks at me a lot and smiles at me all the time now. Every time I ask him to see his face, he pulls me behind a tree or something and flashes me a quick glimpse of his gorgeous face. We are playing the flirting game like you wouldn't believe. Then , the next day or so, I get a message that Tsundae-sama has important issues to address with me so I make my way there like that same day. She tells me that some people are starting to talk about how friendly Kakashi and I are behaving around the village and that it is not professional or appropriate. I went on the defensive right away of course but she saw right through me like always.

"Do not fall in love with Kakashi Sakura. He is 13 years your senior and your former sensei. I will not tolerate this and you will stop any unprofessional behavior right this minute"

She was mad and I could tell, but then again I was mad as hell also. I wanted Kakashi and I was so close to getting him. What did it matter if he was older?

"With all respect Tsundae-sama, I have seen plenty of men in the village well in their fifties with girls in their twenties and Kakashi is not my sensei any longer."

" If he as much as lay a finger on you Sakura I will put him in jail; now is that what you want?"

"Of course not".

I left in tears and later Ino told me that Tsundae had send Kakashi on a long-term mission to Yukigakure, the Village Hidden in the Snow. Could she send him away any farther? I am so fuming right now. Being a ninja sucks right now. If we were just regular people, this wouldn't be happening. Yes, I told Ino about me being all-sweet on Kakashi and to my surprise she was like "He is so hot, I would hump the mask right off his face", she said it really funny too, and it made me feel much less guilty. Therefore, I have been talking with her somewhat about him.

But back to my pissiness, if the whole sending Kakashi away wasn't enough, get this. I am eating out at the ramen place, when out of nowhere Sasuke sits next to me and starts talking to me. Telling me that he misses seeing my pink hair, all friendly and stuff. Sasuke! Right so I am like touching his forehead because the guy must have some kind of sickness. Then he laughs…Sasuke laughs? Yes, I know very weird. So he sits and eats with me and when he is done he goes,

"We should do this more often"

I would have been all excited if it was under other circumstances but this smelled rotten to me and being that Sasuke was now ANBU it oozed Tsundae-sama's poison. So now, I am not only mad at Tsundae-sama but also I am mad at Sasuke. He is fooling me into believing he likes me, when he is supposed to be my friend. Why him? It is not fair. Tsundae-sama knew I loved the guy for the longest time, so what does she expect? For me to fall in love with him again all over again, only this time he can use me and then break my heart? I want to slap Sasuke so bad! I'm going out I need a couple of hundred drinks!

8th Entry

It has been five months now since I saw Kakashi last. I made a copy of our team 7 picture and cropped his face out, so I could put it in my wallet. I am so pathetic…I kiss the picture every night you know. I look up at the stars and I talk to him as if he could hear me. Crazy right, buy then again I write here and talk to you as if you were a person too and let's not forget Sensei, I talk to him too, while he swims around in his bowl. Let's see what has happened during this time. I did beat the crap out of Sasuke, or should I say he let me beat the crap out of him. He felt bad that he was treating me like just a mission but this was not before he harassed me at the hospital like every single day for like a whole month. I knew what he was up to but he was not backing away at all. I almost lost my virginity to him this one day. He broke into my house and into my shower and kissed me. I could feel his hands all over my soapy body and I was weak. Remember this is the guy I dreamt about for a small eternity. He took off his clothes and we kissed and fooled around in the shower before he picked me up and took me to the bed. I was amazed to see his body at last. I had dreamt of this moment many times in those far away days. I looked at him all wet and aroused and I asked him,

"Why are you doing this, why now?"

He said nothing but his silence was answer enough for me. It was all part of a mission and I was probably not the first woman or man he had to sleep with to fulfill a mission.

"I hate you", was all I said before I wrapped my covers around my body and showed him the door. He tried to convince me by telling me a bunch of lies I could see coming from a mile away.

"All those things might work on others Sasuke but I know you too well to fall for any of it"

I was mad, offended, embarrassed and feeling homicidal. Stuff started to fly in his direction and he blocked most of them. I did get something to connect with his head I think it was a hairbrush, and then I just gave it all I had. I punched him, slapped him, kick him. He was trying to hold me close to him so I couldn't hit him anymore so I bit the crap out of him. He did slap me a couple of times, well more like six times until I just dropped to the floor crying. He knew better than to stay so he left and I haven't seen him since.

Ino stayed with me a whole week after that; I was feeling like hell and she was actually really sweet to me. Tenten and Hinata also stayed over a couple of days. They are good friends, you know there when I really needed them. I didn't say anything Kakashi related but the whole Sasuke thing was bad enough. I was so mad at Tsundae-sama, well I am still mad at her, but she is the Hokage so I have to swallow my feelings pretty much. Naruto, Sai and I have been going out on missions, which is good. That way I don't have to see the Hokage or encounter Sasuke. Naruto is finally catching up to Hinata's feelings because the other day he told me that he thinks Hinata likes him. This is what I told him, "Duh!"

Naruto just smiled and then he started to laugh. I have to give it to the guy he has one heck of a laughter. I ended up laughing too. Naruto is a good anti-depressant. Maybe I need to call him over today because I am feeling pretty blue. I miss my Kakashi so badly, and I wonder if he misses me too. We didn't even have a chance to say goodbye. Damn Tsundae-sama and all the stupid rules of this village.

A couple of days ago was new years and I spent it right here with Sensei. Just me and my fish looking out the window at the fireworks. We weren't that impressed really, and now it just seems like he will never be back. Was he really off on a mission or was he gone for good?

9th Entry

I heard from him! He sent one of his dogs with a message for me. It seems he had tried to reach me for months now but his messages keep getting intercepted. He says he cannot wait to be back and that he has something important to tell me, something good. I sent him a note back with the dog and I hope he gets it. It is not the way I wanted to reveal my feelings, but I did tell him that I love him and that I knew it was the reason he was sent away on that mission I also told him what Tsundae said about putting him in jail if he touched me. I hope he does not get angry with me. Even if he is not in love with me, he should know about all of it including my feelings. I told him I would wait for him as long as I had to if it meant that one day we could be together. Now that the note has gone to him, I am freaking out a bit. I am pretty sure he likes me but I didn't want to scare him with the whole I love you thing. I am scared he would decide to stay away. There is no use in tormenting myself. I told him the truth of my feelings and that is nothing to be ashamed of. I can only hope that the something good he has to tell me is that he loves me.

Wait, there is someone ringing the bell…

The dog is back! It's him; he is just outside of Konoha! He wants me to meet him at the training grounds by the cave. Oh my! I am so happy I cannot wait! Bye, I have to get ready! Wish me luck!

10th Entry

You know I had forgotten all about this journal until yesterday when I found it under the nightstand. Sensei jumped out of his bowl and flopped right next to you. I was reading all the entries and wow, it brought back so many memories of the past. Good memories and not so good ones. You might be wondering what happened after the last entry and I feel like you have a right to know. After all, I might need you again someday. The day I received Kakashi's message to meet him at the cave I was a nervous wreck. I remember bathing myself with two different soaps and changing clothes like ten times. I ended up just putting on my regular vest and a short skirt that Ino had lent me. When I got to the training grounds Kakashi was not there yet but it was Kakashi I was almost expecting him to be late. I waited until I fell asleep. A warm hand touched my cheek and I awoke to Kakashi's smile. His mask was off and he was wearing a white shirt with his green vest. It was already dark but he had a light in his hand.

"Hello Sakura, it's been too long," he said looking straight at my eyes with both of his. His tone was soft and caring.

"Please say I can kiss you" was all I could say to him.

He put the light on the ground and took my face in his hands. I still remember how great my yearning was. I felt like I would die if I didn't felt his lips on mine. Slowly his lips captured mine in the most sweet and loving way. Then he kissed my close eyelids, my nose and then again, my lips but this time the sweetness gave way to a much more intense, deep kiss. I can still close my eyes and feel his tongue licking mine and the flavor of his mouth like mint julep. His hands found my vest zipper and I found his. I knew where we were heading and I wanted it as much if not more than he did. He stopped and led me into a small cabin that was full of training equipment. I looked around and saw he had laid a mat down and had pushed most of the equipment out of the way. I smiled at him and asked him if he was expecting something to happen. He just pulled me close to him and kissed me again doing away with my clothes as he kissed each part of my body that became visible to him. His touch was firm but gentle and he went slowly. Tasting my virginal body inch by inch and making sure I knew the meaning of pleasure. He tasted my every corner and I thought I would die for sure; die of pleasure so raw and unrestricted that I even begged him to stop; but when he did, I took a hold of his hair and pulled his mouth back down to my entrance. His tongue was a master at pleasure and I did my best to learn quickly and returned the favor. His face, I can still close my eyes and see his face and how pleasure made it look even more sexy. I looked at him and asked him.

"Why are you doing this?"

He said what I wanted to hear, "Because I love you Sakura, my Sakura"

He kissed me and laid me down under him spreading my legs apart and testing me, torturing me with his masterful fingers. He knew I was a virgin and now he was sure. I had heard that it would be painful so I was ready. He kissed me with passion as his fingers made their way inside of me. Then I felt as he put himself inside me filling me with the fullness of his manhood. I felt my walls close around him and he slowly made me a woman that night. Love, lust, passion, possession, it all collided in that small cabin. He showed me both pleasure and love. He would not stop until he knew I had found climax. And that night I did more than a couple of times. Some days I wish I could be back in that cabin with my former sensei, but wishing never takes me back there. Kakashi died in battle that same year, before we had a chance to marry. A big part of me died with him that day and I will never be the same again. Even though he is gone, he has never really left me. The months we shared as a couple were heaven on earth. I did not care when they stared, I did not cared when Tsundae-sama threw a tantrum about our engagement. We did not care about anything but our love and the life we were having together. My Kakashi left me with a little baby growing inside of me. He was so happy and excited about being a daddy. He wanted a little girl with pink hair like me, but I thank the heavens each day he gave me a son that looks just like his daddy. I am so thankful that I had the chance to know true love, even if it was just for a little while. I see myself as one of the lucky ones. I had the love of the most wonderful man, a man of immense power and talent and a man who stole my heart and never gave it back. I love you Kakashi-…Sensei.


End file.
